Damn Plastic, You Tasty

Every now and then, we eat things we shouldn’t.

Candy, soda, fast food, indescribable-yet-delicious snacks, grass, pen tops, hair, nails, paper, etc.  What we typically don’t do is eat huge items and just leave them to hopefully ‘pass’.  Right?  Unless, you have pica, and you actually do do that, in which case………..

Exhibit A (FYI, this is the only exhibit): Lee Gardener of South Yorkshire, England

Lee is, to put it frankly, a downright, straight-up, fool.  Essentially, he ate an entire plastic fork, allegedly by accident *alert #1*.  This happened a whole 10 years ago.  That’s a long time for a plastic utensil to hangout in your tumtum.  Now, I don’t know if we can blame him directly for this.  After all, the Britts are known for having exceptionally bland, yucky food — biscuits?  tea?  fried fish?  Maybe this fork was strawberry-flavored, or something.  Who knows.

Anywhosies –  his doc told him to ‘let it pass’…*alert #2*.  This baffles me, because, even as a non-medical student, completely uneducated in all things medically-related, and with absolutely no knowledge about intestines, aside from the fact that they’re long, tangled, folded, and twisted, I have a general hunch that it isn’t the easiest thing to do.  Nor, you know, like, the safest.

So, of course, as you can imagine, Lee ‘let it pass’, and of course, as you can further imagine, it never did.  Which means that he has had a plastic fork in his stomach for an incredibly long time…One day, he woke up, ill, bleeding, oozing forkiness, and he had to have that sucker removed.

I’m giving him infinite bananasss metaphorically, and physically, just 1 big one (see above).

If you ingest plastic utensils, please, get that shit taken care of (punny!).

Bananasss and healthcare advice, xoxoxo,

That’s Bananasss

That Poäng Swivel Chair Is a Serious Turn On

I often walk around Ikea looking at the furniture, those elegant(ish) and kinda-but-not-actually-comfortable plastic chairs, and I think, “Damn, this is the perfect spot to get sexual with my hunny.”

Ah, wait, wait, wait, wait just a jiffy – no I don’t, because that’s completely nuts.

However, some teenagers in Red Hook (that, my dear friends, is Brooklyn…) feel differently.  Used condoms have been popping up (heh…heh…ew) outside the Ikea on, near, and around the metal lounge chairs.  Just the most romantic spot for a little get together…right?

Damn, that’s hella romantic.

Well, according to one very strange (read: deranged) 16-year-old girl, “There are lights that are purple and blue and change color.  It’s beautiful, like a wedding thing.”  Oh, the concision, the imagery, the romanticism – it abounds.

No – it doesn’t.  What happened to good-old-fashioned sneaking someone into your bedroom at 1am?  Or what about finding an empty field?  Or a McDonald’s bathroom?  And since when are lights a turn-on?  Why IKEA???? WHY!?

Here’s to hoping this is just a summer thing.  I’m giving these kids the benefit of the doubt that they won’t take to donning snowsuits and making awkward snowsuit love on the chairs come wintertime…I’m not confident, though.

In the meantime, maybe head to Jersey if you feel the Ikea-impulse, at the very least to avoid STDs.

  Seriously — 5 bananasss for these seriously confused teens.  Where are your parents? And/or your common sense?  Don’t you have homework to do?  Or video games to play?  Or nails to bite?  Or Bieber videos to watch?

I will say, however, that I’m glad they’re actually using condoms.  That’s kind of a shocker, but mildly comforting to know.

XoXoXoX 

That’s Bananassss

Happy National Tequila Day!

I am a staunch proponent of indulging oneself in all things fine and all things delicious:

• ca$hmere
• entire jars of Nutella in one sitting
• those $900 shoes everyone judges you for buying but you know you will wear at least thrice in your lifetime and therefore it is a justifiable purchase [?]
• leather-bound books
• extensive/expensive retail therapy
• betting on horses (“I have to see a man about a horse…”)

Essentially, when an opportunity to go overboard (some might call it by its more refined name: ‘above and beyond’) presents itself, I try to take it.  Just like a bull and horns, picking up the reins, putting feet in front of other feet, etc.

Well, folks, today is a great day to be cray (or, an excuse to go above and beyond).  It’s National Tequila Day, which luckily falls on Tequila Tuesday.  The latter is a holiday I just invented now, but it works.  And you know what?  It makes today DOUBLY SPECIAL and DOUBLY TEQUILA-FILLED. 

AY CARRRAMMMMMBBBBBAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So.  I hereby charge you with imbibing a minimum of one tequila-themed drink today, and a maximum of fifteen (let’s be respectable, yes?).  If you feel uncomfortable with that, I’ll allow you to buy someone else a tequila-themed drink in exchange for drinking one yourself.

Please, don’t blame any of the embarrassing moves you pull today on me.  I can only control your thoughts, not your actions (seriously – never look me directly in the eyes).

For example, don’t snort the salt, take a shot of tequila, then squeeze the lime in your eye.  That would be a horrible idea.

XoXOXOXooxOXo & Banana-flavored Margaritas,

That’s Bananasss

Don’t Start With Me, [Insert Any Inanimate Object Here]!

‘Cause I will fuck you up!

What’s that, you say?  You don’t start fights with inanimate objects?

Do you mean to say that you don’t feel personally offended on a consistent basis by the way in which that chair looks at you?  Seat staring you down, full of contempt and judgement?  Or possibly by how that clock mocks your poorly-fitting pants, laughing at your diaper-butt with each second-hand movement?

Oh my………..this is awkward.

————————————–

At least, that’s what this wonky Pennsylvanian teen would say if you challenged why he was starting a supremely aggressive fight with a random mailbox recently.  And hey – maybe we should give him some leeway.  Some people are more, how can we say this — perceptive — than others.  You know, some people are more connected, with the earth, with other people, with ~sPiRiTs~, and quite possibly with completely harmless inanimate objects.  We should have respect for these folks, as we should all special folks…Maybe that mailbox was harassing him.  Maybe he insulted his hair, or called him fat.  Who knows?  Who am I to judge?  Who are you to judge?  Who is this banana to judge?    

Oh..he was completely high on LSD, you say?  Well, hey, that explains that.

Let me give you some guidelines on what is safe, and what is not safe, whether you’re sober…or not.  In fact, let’s play my new game I just invented: “SAFE or NOT?” (Note: This is similar to HOT or NOT? — in the sense that it is entirely different.)

SAFE or NOT?

This was an easy one.  If you guessed SAFE – you’re right!!!!!!!! Mazel tov!  This is a completely cheerful, loving, unassuming toaster, and you needn’t be afraid.

SAFE or NOT?

I gave you a hint on this one because it explicitly says “SCARY” in the image.  So if you guessed NOT — WAY TO GO!!! This frightening fire-breathing dragon is NOT SAFE.  If you are walking down the street and you see it licking it’s claws, DO NOT APPROACH IT.

SAFE or NOT?

Ok kids — if you see this cuddly little fluff on the street, YOU MAY APPROACH.  This puppy is SAFE!!! If you are ON DRUGS or even SOBER, do not attack the puppy.

SAFE or NOT?

I’m about to throw you a tricky curveball as the finale………tell me what you think.

This one was a toughy –but the answer is SAFE!!!!  From afar, this could easily look like a frightening tiger — but kids, it’s okay.  Why?  Because it’s just a couch.  A couch is ALWAYS SAFE – whether it looks like a tiger, or like a couch.  (BEWARE: REAL TIGERS ARE NOT SAFE.  RUN.)

Feel free to get in touch if you’re ever nervous or confused about whether something is SAFE or NOT.  I’m always here to lend a hand, or to give you a piece of banana bread.

Bananasss and Bravery,

That’s Bananasss

#AllYouCanEat (Or “The Attack On Liberty”)

It’s not a secret.

Our rights as citizens of this democratic nation are being attacked on the daily…most importantly, against our natural-born right to terrible food.

If you’ve read my posts…you know I simply cannot help myself when it comes to fast food news stories.  It’s always soooo bananasss to see just how cray people get over fast food…but, you know, I completely understand.  It is, after all, our right to destroy our bodies, and how dare anyone get in the way of that.  If I want 10 Whoppers, I’m gonna eat 10 Whoppers, and I’m gonna accompany those 10 Whoppers with 10 orders of fries and a soda the size of my recommended weekly consumption of water (and calories)(well, not me, because I’m vegetarian, but hypothetically).

Now, if there’s anything I’ve learned since I started this blog, it’s that I can always count on the south or the midwest for the most titillating and outrageous news stories.  Always.  Good old Bill Wisth, a 6’6″ 350-lb man from Thiensville, Wisconsin, was kind enough not to let me down (thank you, Bill – it’s people like you who keep me writing).

Billyboy is a man to be respected, because he stood his ground against the tyrants that run this country and infringe upon our liberties.  Or, at least, against a small fast-food seafood place in his hometown.  But you have to start small, and dream big.

So what happened?  Well, this downright dictatorial restaurant, Chuck’s Fry, claimed to offer its customers an amazing all-you-can-eat experience.  BOY WAS THAT A LIE.

After 12 pieces of fish fry (to be honest, I’m not even sure what that IS), Chuck’s cut Billyboy off.  CAN YOU IMAGINE?  I MEAN, I CAN’T. 

Billyboy got upset, naturally.  After making a fuss, the restaurant gave him 8 more pieces of fish fry (FYI we’re now at a total of 20 pieces of this mystery fish fry (seriously can someone tell me what it is?)) and sent him on his way.  BUT DO YOU THINK BILLYBOY WAS SATISFIED?  NO!!!!!

Heck, he exercised his rights as an overeating American citizen, and he picketed outside Chuck’s in protest.   “I think that people have to stand up for consumers,” Billyboy said.  And he stands by it – he claims he’s going to come out and picket every Sunday until Chuck’s realizes its grave mistake.   Well – I sure hope he does (at the very least, it could get him some exercise to work off that all that fried fish).

Three bananasss for Chuck’s (which are secretly for Billyboy because he’s a wee bit crazy) for refusing Billyboy his right to a heart attack.

Tune in later for more appalling food-trocities.

Bunches of bisous and bananasss,

That’s Bananasss

Veggies & Cows Unite

I just wanted to let you know…

…that this week is National Vegetarian Week!!!!!!!

I know what you’re thinking — and you’re wrong.  I didn’t say National Haze-A-Vegetarian Week. Or National Mock-A-Vegetarian Week.  It’s just, plain old, National Vegetarian Week.

Now, as a long-time vegetarian, this week really means nothing at all to me.  I will go about my business as usual, nibbling on lettuce leaves while my friends eat some fattening, delicious-smelling, oil-soaked bacon.

Hey — maybe you’ve never really been a vegetable-eater, for whatever reason, and that’s okay.  

Asparagus Omelette Dinosaur © That’s Bananasss! 2011-Infinity

• Maybe you’re scared of them (it’s called Lachanophobia)
• Maybe you prefer scooting them around on your plate to eating them
• Maybe you prefer making art with them on your plate to eating them

I don’t know.  Who knows.  I don’t judge (publicly).  

But in the spirit of National Vegetarian Week, take the opportunity to cozy up on the couch with some celery sticks or some tomato slices and eat your damn veggies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~*~*~*On ThE fLiP sIdE*~*~*~

Because That’s Bananasss! presents coverage that is FAIR&BALANCED, I’m kindly going to inform you that

This is what you’ve done. Feel guilty.

the month of May is also National Hamburger Month.

So, basically, if you have any of those aforementioned anti-vegetable afflictions, you can also take the time to celebrate meat by chowing down on a good old-fashioned, juicy, bloody, burger.  It will crush my soul, but I’ll support you (though not without judgement…I lied earlier).

Heck — I’ll even lead you right to it.  Click here to find the tastiest dead cows near you!!!!!!!!  And enjoy it.

With amore,

That’s Bananasss!

Burglarizing in Style

It Is A Truth Universally Acknowledged…

…that a successful burglary requires a clean getaway.

But why not make it stylish, too?  Because I get most of my knowledge from movies, I know that most burglars are generally attractive people who more often than not make a clean getaway in a sweet ride.

Exhibit A:

The Italian Job

Exhibit B:

Ocean’s Eleven

It would seem as if a certain Nashville resident has been watching the same movies I’ve been watching.  Except, he’s 14 years old, and he robs houses.  Many houses.

In fact, over the last two years, this teenager robbed over 100 houses.  The police even refer to him as “an innovative individual.”  Clearly, this kid commands some respect.  Now, like a typical 14 year old would, Mr. Anonymous stole what every 14 year old covets:  TVs and video games.

I know, I know, I know — what was his getaway car, you’re wondering?  Quite simple: a go-kart.  I’ve been in a go-kart a few times, and I will be honest — I’m not sure how he carried all his loot around in his ride.  I mean, some people can barely fit their behinds in a go-kart — there really enough space for a TV?

This is roughly what I imagine a 14 year old driving a go-kart around Tennessee looks like (Little Rascals).

What is most unusual about all of this is that no one seems to have been bothered by a kid driving a go-kart around town.  I’ve never been to Nashville, or anywhere really in the south, but I kind of feel like it’s not the typical mode of transportation.  Cars, sure.  Bikes, okay.  Trucks, probably.  Tractors, most likely.  Four-wheelers, possibly.  Horses, likely.  But go-karts?  Maybe one of my readers can confirm that go-karts are par for the course on Tennessee streets.

Regardless, I did some recon, naturally, to figure out what the best getaway car would be.

Check out these two lists of perfectly reasonable options: one banana, two banana.  Oddly enough — I don’t see “go-kart” on either of those lists.  Hmm.

If you have any experience, do share your story below!

5 bananasss to the police for taking two years to find a thieving child not trying in the slightest to blend in (although, who knows, he might live on a go-kart compound).

May the Fourth Be With You

Let’s get down to business.

Not only is it FRIDAY — It’s “Star Wars Day“!!!!!!!!!!

Do you know what that means?  It means this day is DOUBLY good.  Wow.  Seriously.  Take advantage of this one.

Because it’s Star Wars Day, you are required by Jedi law to tell everyone you see, “May the Fourth Be With You!!”   You know, instead of, “May the FORCE Be With You!!”  Get it?! CLE-VER.

FURTHERMORE, you are fully within your rights on this day to act as any character from any Star Wars film.  I give you permission.  Keep it under control though.  You KNOWWWW that I love a crazy dude actually thinking he’s a Jedi running around a toy store and trying to start fights with people…but keep it simple, keep it safe, keep it cool.

FURTHERMOREMORE, Gothamist is holding a National Star Wars Day photoshop competition.  Photoshop Princess Leia (IN A BIKINI, GUYS), or Han Solo, into a picture of New York City, then email your photos to photos@gothamist.com.  Alternatively, you can take pictures of yourself around town in various Star Wars outfits.

FURTHERMOREMOREMORE, the official Star Wars website has tons of games, events, and more for you to check out — even e-cards you can send!!! HOORAY!  I already sent a set to my whole family.

CARPE DIEM, CARPE BANANASSS, AND MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU.

XOXO

That’s Bananasss

Befuddlement – GOLF?!

There are a few things I will never understand completely:

• Why people hate the word ‘moist’
• Why the Knicks can’t get it together
• Leftovers
• Why people eat from food carts on the street
• Why shoelaces won’t stay tied
• Why PCs are still popular
• Why people watch golf
• Why people play golf

Speaking of which, I wouldn’t recommend having your bachelor’s party on a golf course if you at all value your safety.  It could be dangerous.  There are a handful of angry seniors passing their excessive spare time on the golf course who have absolutely no patience for your unexperienced asses. Come back in fifty years, please.

This is essentially what happened recently in Florida (where else???) when two men berated and attacked a group of guys celebrating a buddys’ impending nuptials.

So maybe they were a little tipsy (the bachelors)…and maybe they were newish to golf…but they were just playing a leisurely game, trying to enjoy the day and their friends’ last moments of freedom.

Is it so much to ask for??

Apparently, YES.  A group of older-folk were behind the young bachelors, getting increasingly tizzied (is that a word?) at how slow the guys were playing.  One of them, bold and brave James Alonzo Hines (61 yrs), took charge.  He rammed his golf cart into the group of guys, and smashed them over the head with his club.  He proceeded to demand that they respect their elders.  Seriously.  That’s not just something old people say in movies.

If you ask me, it seems a little excessive.  I’m not really violent by nature (ignore my bout of MMA training), and I feel like it could have been okay to do any of the following:

• Politely ask them to play faster
• Meanly ask them to play faster
• Shoot spitballs at them from the bushes
• Skip that hole entirely and go around them (can you do that in non-mini golf? I don’t even know)
• Ask them if they need help
• Offer expertise and advice
• Join parties for a rockin’ good golf time
  

  My kind of golf party.

Ok, the last one is a little suspect, because I can’t imagine having fun on the golf course.  But, it is what it is, as they say.  I’m still a little stuped on how such a slow, boring game could cause people to get aggravated because people are playing it slowly…and are most likely bored…but maybe one of you golf fans can answer that for me?

At least he didn’t attack a teenager,like these seniors did…

Still though, it’s a little bananasss.  Take a breather, head back to the club house, have a brandy and a cigar, and relax, bro.

[Not] Working for the Weekend

Do you ever get to work, and feel like you have better things to do? Or maybe you don’t have better things to do. Maybe you’re just bored, and you don’t wanna work. Maybe you hate your job. Maybe you love your job. It’s okay to be bored! It’s Friday — I get it (and a very special Friday at that – you may not even be in yet).

Here are a few things you can do to keep yourself busy while the hours pass by slowly, second by second.

Read a section of the dictionary. Not only will you look like you’re doing something important because a big book will be sitting on your desk, but you might learn a word or two.

Create a signature style of handwriting for yourself. Maybe you want to dot your ‘i’s, or heart them. Maybe your ‘y’s will be curly and loopy. Maybe you will write your ‘o’s with smiley faces inside, or puppies. Maybe all your ‘j’s will be purely in capitals. Who knows. Let your imagination soar.

Create some art. Doodles are fun, sure. But get more creative. Staples? Markers? Highlighters? Post-it notes? I dunno! Be bold. Example from my personal collection (COPYRIGHTED!!!):
Careful though. Watch out for this guy.

Start a blog. Exhibit A: That’s Bananasss.

Bake a cake. If your office doesn’t have a full kitchen, you can make some jello, or a no-bake Oreo cake.

Learn morse code.

Or, alternatively, you can get off your tuchas, walk right out of your office and go do something more interesting!

[Disclaimer: I’m not responsible if any of the aforementioned activities get you fired.]

A song to keep you entertained when you’re bored at work: