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B&E Isn’t ALWAYS Bad

February 11, 2012

Breaking & entering is illegal. We all know this. You aren’t allowed to enter a location unless it’s an acceptable time of day, or you have permission. It’s also illegal to steal. We all know this. You aren’t allowed to take something that is not yours, unless you’ve been given permission by the owner, or you’ve paid for it. I’m assuming that you, my readers, know this. If you don’t, you will most likely be arrested some day, and then I will feature your story on my blog.

I’m going to be bold and say, after reading the news this morning, I’ve decided there are, at the very least, two instances in which I would not mind if someone broke into my living quarters…or whatever (note: this is not an invitation to do so…please stay away from my living quarters…or whatever).

INSTANCE 1: LOOKING SILLY (I’ll excuse the mess)

The other day, a very strange man from Kentucky (is it just me, or does everything weird happen in the south?) broke into a food store – but not to steal anything. He first got down to business by breaking the glass door with his boot (and yes, he was naked, not including the boots, just like many people these days appear to be). Then, he emptied all the fire extinguishers in the grocery store…it’s unclear why. Best not to ask questions here. Next, he spelled out “SORRY” on the grocery store floor using NyQuil. What was he sorry for? We don’t know. Maybe for the fire extinguisher thing, or maybe it was a preemptive apology for this next move.

For the grand finale, Mr. Andrew proceeded to smear peanut butter and chocolate all over his naked body. It’s unclear whether or not he ate it. I don’t know that it matters. But I’m going to guess he had dry skin, and needed a better moisturizer than his regular Aveeno. or maybe he just likes peanut butter and chocolate. I know I do, especially in a PB & Nutella sandwich. Yum. Would I rub it all over my body though….? Probably not. I think I would rather eat it.
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Still, I wouldn’t mind if this guy broke in to my living quarters to do this…just to see how ridiculously silly it would all look. I mean, I can only imagine the scene when the police arrived. I would have died. Laughing.

It’s also not such a big deal when you have the next guy burglarizing your home…

INSTANCE 2: CLEANING MY HOUSE AND COOKING ME DINNER

Ashely Murray came home to see the lights on. She assumed it was her brother. She was oh so very wrong.

Inside her house was the apparently very neat and cooking-adept Keith Davis. Murray came home to folded laundry, a swept floor, and prepared dinner. CAN YOU IMAGINE? I would absolutely adore this. I mean, he did cook chicken, and I’m a vegetarian, but I’m sure he would take requests. I’m also sure he would clean up the fire extinguisher/NyQuil/peanut butter/chocolate mess left behind by silly burglar #1. In my mind, this is definitely a win-win situation.

Of course, all these people are completely bananasss, but what’s life without some weirdly shaped ripe bananas interjecting every now and then? It’s bananaless…and boring.

Happy weekend, and lock your doors (unless you find a way of vetting the burglars before they enter to better understand their intentions…if they want to do your laundry or make you a pot roast, I would let them in if I were you).

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. suzanne permalink
    February 11, 2012 2:09 pm

    don’t need to lock my door — i have my daughter’s watch dog living with me. so far she has not offered to cook though

    • February 11, 2012 2:13 pm

      You’re one lucky duck! Maybe she can question intruders as to whether or not they will cook.

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