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This Ain’t No Come Back – And Hair

March 22, 2012

OH, hello there.

You thought I was gone, didn’t you?

You thought that someone just threw the banana out, left it out to rot, or maybe put it in the compost bin, didn’t you?

Well, you were wrongSo, so wrong.  Mainly because I’m not that environmentally friendly, and furthermore, I hate rotting things.  Also, I love bananas.

I just took a mild break, like a break that was long enough for the bananas to ripen to perfection, only to be fashioned into a delicious, flavorful, moist banana bread.  You can rest easy now, friends, because I’m back.  Look forward to bright days ahead.

Let’s dive right in…


Being a girl, hair has always been a thing for me.  Like it is for all girls Mainly, I hate my hair.  Like many girls do.  Naturally, it’s curly, frizzy, and somehow full, while still being thin and blah (another great set of traits passed down from mom…thanks).  I spent my childhood being envious of my straight-haired friends, and they spent their childhoods being envious of our other curly-hair friends (not of me, because my hair was always just, blah).  The rest of my time was spent straightening, blow-drying and dying my hair until we arrived at present day Natasha’s Hair –> still blah, and a little worse for wear.  Though through the use of numerous expensive Keratin treatments, the blah has been able to be transformed to pretty-much-no-longer-curly-and-not-too-frizzy-and-just-mildly-blah.

Classic First World Problem

After all that, the one thing wrong that’s left with my hair that I can really, really kvetch about is that it just won’t grow.  It gets to a certain length, and then it stops, no matter what.  This length is never long enough.  It’s not long enough to be long-and-pretty, and it’s not short enough to be short-and-pretty, so I inevitably end up cutting it shorter and complaining that it’s too short, and that it’s never long enough.  And this happens every few months that I cut my hair.  It’s seriously stressful.  #firstworldproblems

Of course, I’m super jelly of all my friends who manage to grow their hair super long and luscious, and all of their friends who do the same, and all the celebs, and basically everyone I see with super long hair.  But then, I read this article in the news, and it kind of changed my world view.  It also grossed me out a little, so I’m happy my lunch break isn’t until a bit later (yes I’m writing this at work – eeeeeeek).

So essentially, this girl, this BRAZILIAN girl (uma moça brasileira), who just so happens to be named Natasha (I am considering blaming her for stealing my ability to grow hair, quite possibly from all the short-haired Natashas in the world), has SUPER LONG HAIR.  It’s over 5-feet long, only 1.5 inches shorter than her actual height.  Which is really, really freaky.   She’s 12 years old, and has never cut her hair a day in her life.  I mean, okay, sure, do what you want, grow your hair, etc., blah blah blah.

The weirder thing is she wants to sell it.  Initially, she wanted to sell her hair for over $2,000 to help bring her family out of poverty.

Today, she plans to sell it for around $5,000, for an even more noble cause — redoing her bedroom in her house.  She no longer cares about poverty.  Having the chicest duvet is way more important.

Take a look at this article for really weird, moderately artsy and definitely pretty uncomfortable pictures of little Natasha.

Her mother, in true mother form, never implored her daughter to cut the hair.  She just blindly embraced this weird tendency/mild obsession, praising her daughters’ curly locks (which, btw, take about 4.5 hours of combing per day).

I’m assuming my parents never ever had this issue when I was a child, considering my hair’s absolute refusal to grow.   But I do wonder — what would they have said (maybe they’ll comment below with a response…who knows).

All I really know for sure is that this Natasha brasileira stole all my hopes and dreams for long locks.  And here I am, in America, in an office, with average-length hair, feeling upset about it.

8 bananas for Natasha growing her hair that long — a totally completely and utterly superficial move, and then selling it for even more superficial reasons — new window curtains.

The only thing I can take comfort in is that her hair is not as long as this lady’s, who clocks in at 18 feet.  TAKE THAT, NATASHA.

Ugh.  Bananasss.

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