Skip to content

Don’t Start With Me, [Insert Any Inanimate Object Here]!

July 23, 2012

‘Cause I will fuck you up!

What’s that, you say?  You don’t start fights with inanimate objects?

Do you mean to say that you don’t feel personally offended on a consistent basis by the way in which that chair looks at you?  Seat staring you down, full of contempt and judgement?  Or possibly by how that clock mocks your poorly-fitting pants, laughing at your diaper-butt with each second-hand movement?

Oh my………..this is awkward.

————————————–

At least, that’s what this wonky Pennsylvanian teen would say if you challenged why he was starting a supremely aggressive fight with a random mailbox recently.  And hey – maybe we should give him some leeway.  Some people are more, how can we say this — perceptive — than others.  You know, some people are more connected, with the earth, with other people, with ~sPiRiTs~, and quite possibly with completely harmless inanimate objects.  We should have respect for these folks, as we should all special folks…Maybe that mailbox was harassing him.  Maybe he insulted his hair, or called him fat.  Who knows?  Who am I to judge?  Who are you to judge?  Who is this banana to judge?    

Oh..he was completely high on LSD, you say?  Well, hey, that explains that.

Let me give you some guidelines on what is safe, and what is not safe, whether you’re sober…or not.  In fact, let’s play my new game I just invented: “SAFE or NOT?” (Note: This is similar to HOT or NOT? — in the sense that it is entirely different.)

SAFE or NOT?

This was an easy one.  If you guessed SAFE – you’re right!!!!!!!! Mazel tov!  This is a completely cheerful, loving, unassuming toaster, and you needn’t be afraid.

SAFE or NOT?

I gave you a hint on this one because it explicitly says “SCARY” in the image.  So if you guessed NOT — WAY TO GO!!! This frightening fire-breathing dragon is NOT SAFE.  If you are walking down the street and you see it licking it’s claws, DO NOT APPROACH IT.

SAFE or NOT?

Ok kids — if you see this cuddly little fluff on the street, YOU MAY APPROACH.  This puppy is SAFE!!! If you are ON DRUGS or even SOBER, do not attack the puppy.

SAFE or NOT?

I’m about to throw you a tricky curveball as the finale………tell me what you think.

This one was a toughy –but the answer is SAFE!!!!  From afar, this could easily look like a frightening tiger — but kids, it’s okay.  Why?  Because it’s just a couch.  A couch is ALWAYS SAFE – whether it looks like a tiger, or like a couch.  (BEWARE: REAL TIGERS ARE NOT SAFE.  RUN.)

Feel free to get in touch if you’re ever nervous or confused about whether something is SAFE or NOT.  I’m always here to lend a hand, or to give you a piece of banana bread.

Bananasss and Bravery,

That’s Bananasss

Advertisements
No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: