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Don’t Start With Me, [Insert Any Inanimate Object Here]!

July 23, 2012

‘Cause I will fuck you up!

What’s that, you say?  You don’t start fights with inanimate objects?

Do you mean to say that you don’t feel personally offended on a consistent basis by the way in which that chair looks at you?  Seat staring you down, full of contempt and judgement?  Or possibly by how that clock mocks your poorly-fitting pants, laughing at your diaper-butt with each second-hand movement?

Oh my………..this is awkward.


At least, that’s what this wonky Pennsylvanian teen would say if you challenged why he was starting a supremely aggressive fight with a random mailbox recently.  And hey – maybe we should give him some leeway.  Some people are more, how can we say this — perceptive — than others.  You know, some people are more connected, with the earth, with other people, with ~sPiRiTs~, and quite possibly with completely harmless inanimate objects.  We should have respect for these folks, as we should all special folks…Maybe that mailbox was harassing him.  Maybe he insulted his hair, or called him fat.  Who knows?  Who am I to judge?  Who are you to judge?  Who is this banana to judge?    

Oh..he was completely high on LSD, you say?  Well, hey, that explains that.

Let me give you some guidelines on what is safe, and what is not safe, whether you’re sober…or not.  In fact, let’s play my new game I just invented: “SAFE or NOT?” (Note: This is similar to HOT or NOT? — in the sense that it is entirely different.)


This was an easy one.  If you guessed SAFE – you’re right!!!!!!!! Mazel tov!  This is a completely cheerful, loving, unassuming toaster, and you needn’t be afraid.


I gave you a hint on this one because it explicitly says “SCARY” in the image.  So if you guessed NOT — WAY TO GO!!! This frightening fire-breathing dragon is NOT SAFE.  If you are walking down the street and you see it licking it’s claws, DO NOT APPROACH IT.


Ok kids — if you see this cuddly little fluff on the street, YOU MAY APPROACH.  This puppy is SAFE!!! If you are ON DRUGS or even SOBER, do not attack the puppy.


I’m about to throw you a tricky curveball as the finale………tell me what you think.

This one was a toughy –but the answer is SAFE!!!!  From afar, this could easily look like a frightening tiger — but kids, it’s okay.  Why?  Because it’s just a couch.  A couch is ALWAYS SAFE – whether it looks like a tiger, or like a couch.  (BEWARE: REAL TIGERS ARE NOT SAFE.  RUN.)

Feel free to get in touch if you’re ever nervous or confused about whether something is SAFE or NOT.  I’m always here to lend a hand, or to give you a piece of banana bread.

Bananasss and Bravery,

That’s Bananasss

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