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That Poäng Swivel Chair Is a Serious Turn On

July 26, 2012

I often walk around Ikea looking at the furniture, those elegant(ish) and kinda-but-not-actually-comfortable plastic chairs, and I think, “Damn, this is the perfect spot to get sexual with my hunny.”

Ah, wait, wait, wait, wait just a jiffy – no I don’t, because that’s completely nuts.

However, some teenagers in Red Hook (that, my dear friends, is Brooklyn…) feel differently.  Used condoms have been popping up (heh…heh…ew) outside the Ikea on, near, and around the metal lounge chairs.  Just the most romantic spot for a little get together…right?

Damn, that’s hella romantic.

Well, according to one very strange (read: deranged) 16-year-old girl, “There are lights that are purple and blue and change color.  It’s beautiful, like a wedding thing.”  Oh, the concision, the imagery, the romanticism – it abounds.

No – it doesn’t.  What happened to good-old-fashioned sneaking someone into your bedroom at 1am?  Or what about finding an empty field?  Or a McDonald’s bathroom?  And since when are lights a turn-on?  Why IKEA???? WHY!?

Here’s to hoping this is just a summer thing.  I’m giving these kids the benefit of the doubt that they won’t take to donning snowsuits and making awkward snowsuit love on the chairs come wintertime…I’m not confident, though.

In the meantime, maybe head to Jersey if you feel the Ikea-impulse, at the very least to avoid STDs.

  Seriously — 5 bananasss for these seriously confused teens.  Where are your parents? And/or your common sense?  Don’t you have homework to do?  Or video games to play?  Or nails to bite?  Or Bieber videos to watch?

I will say, however, that I’m glad they’re actually using condoms.  That’s kind of a shocker, but mildly comforting to know.


That’s Bananassss

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